The other day, I told him about how I had to work at Guess this week. He asked if I was nervous, and I said, "A little bit. All the girls that work there are super tan, and put together, and fancy... and I'm not really like that." He replied with, "I don't like those girls..." with a smirk on his face.
Not that I have anything against the people that work there, because to be honest, they were some of the nicest people I've ever worked with. Overall, they were the friendliest, I think. It's just, he got what I meant, and the way he said it made it seem like it was well, me, that he liked. When it comes to writing, we paraphrase, we write metaphorically, we use puns, analogies and clever phrases in order to stimulate your mind and figure out what we mean. When it comes to writing, this works. When it comes to members of the gender that we're attracted to, not as much. Not as pleasing.
Speaking of working at Guess, today was my last day. I worked there for the week of Black Friday. My cousin is the manager there. I can't stay past this week, because apparently it's against the rules to hire a family member, even if it's through marriage. It's unfortunate because I actually kind of liked the job, and my cousin is a great manager. But I guess that's what rules do; restrict.
Frequently I look at people and I wonder what they would do if I just walked up to them and hugged them. Is there a chance that they actually really needed a hug, and that it would make their entire day? Maybe it saved their life. Some people may not care that they don't really know you, or weren't expecting the hug. Is it more awkward to hug someone you know, or is it more awkward to hug someone you've never met? But then, I take it to the next level. Instead of staring at the person you admire, why not just go right up to them and kiss them, and see what happens? If they push you away, move on with your life. If they don't, you're all set. You know. Of course, don't go up to just any cute girl or guy and have your way, but if you know them and have developed feelings, and spent time staring at their lips, why do we wait? It's programmed. It's all programmed. They're all rules. How can someone follow the rules if we don't know the boundaries?
I just had this guy ask me on a date, to the movies or out to dinner. Literally, just now. I told him that I wasn't comfortable yet, that I had to get to know him first, and he said a stroll around the falls would be a good way to get to know each other. I met him online. I'm not afraid that he's going to murder me, or kidnap me, or anything like that. When you meet people online, some you know you'd hang out with in real life in a minute. I can think of at least 10 people I would hang out with right now, if I could. Some are even guys. It's just, once in a while, you contemplate. You can just feel it, and if it feels weird or awkward, I don't like it. I just don't. He's a really nice guy, too. I've been dying to walk around the falls with a boy, but it's not always that easy. It ruins the experience if it's just any boy. I'm not sure I see the point if I'm not going to feel comfortable. I think that if he came up to me, and kissed me, I would push him away. But I can think of someone who I wouldn't push away, and yet, he isn't the one asking me to walk around the falls. Not only does life play the game of silence, but it also breaks the rules.

Sometimes

I was feeling kind of bummed out the other night, so I got in my car ad got some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Mudslide is the best, just for future reference. I drove around after I got it, and blasted some good music, and listened to the rain. I imagine the rain being snow. It would have been a blizzard.
I pulled up and parked in front of my house, and focused in on the car in front of me. It was an Oldsmobile. On the back of the car, it said his last name. I don't know if it was that particular kind of Oldsmobile, or if it was the name of the place they got it from, but it was there. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe it was a coincidence. But it was there.
I've sort of been feeling bummed out a lot lately. The winter is coming, so I should have prepared myself for this, but how can you prepare your mind? Each new reason to hold back even an ounce of optimism causes anguish within me. Why? Just why? I keep asking that question like a six year old that wants to know everything about the world. Well guess what, inner six year old? You may never get all the answers. Life is the best at the game of silence.
Sometimes my my makes me so mad I can't even stand it. But then she'll do this martyr thing where she makes you feel bad about being mad .I know life is too short to be upset with anyone, but that doesn't mask the fact that I am.
Sometimes people disappoint me when they say they'll do something, but they don't. If I give you the opportunity to turn back and change your mind, do it. Don't say you will, and leave me stranded like a cactus in a desert. Sure, cacti belong there, but that doesn't mean they don't need to depend on anything else.
Sometimes I wonder why people have to get bacterial flesh eating viruses when all they want is one more god damn Christmas. Damn it.
Sometimes I can't wrap my brain around why the Government makes you their slave, and then won't pay for your hospital visit. Everyone is left to their own devices when they're stuck in the middle, not enough, yet slightly too much.
Sometimes I sing and sing, because it's one of the only things that takes my mind on vacation.
Sometimes I sit in my car before I go in the house, and just sit there, because getting out means facing the world.
Sometimes I wonder why people can turn out their light and go to sleep, and not know about the girl sitting outside in her car.
Sometimes I eat pie to try to feel better. A lot of it.
Sometimes I just want to catch a break, but I've lost my mitt and my fingers are breaking. They're breaking.
Sometimes I want to go off and live on the beach for the rest of my life. Find me a Wilson, buy me a surf board, and eat pineapple.
A lot of sometimes can equal all the time. I better be careful.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I can't say that I know exactly who you are, but I know that you're going to be just lovely. If you have fallen for me, and taken the time to show me that and asked me to be yours, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being the person to change everything; the one I've been waiting for. I'm not sure if I'll have all the right words, or if I'll be able to explain to you what you have in for you, but I shall try my hardest.

I just want to hold your hand. I want to feel what it's like to walk through the city, your hand in mine, showing the passerby that we are together. I want to bite your lip when we kiss, so I can see what you like, and what you don't. If you could hold my cheek when we kiss, that would be enough for me to feel like I'm in a fairytale. I will not expect you to be the only one to impress, or romance, but I do hope that you can surprise me and enchant me. I will do for you what I expect you to do for me. I will place your favorite flowers on your car, and I hope it doesn't make you feel silly. Maybe you don't want to say you have a favorite flower, but I know you do. I will leave little post it notes around your room in hidden places, in books, in your underwear drawer, just so you're reminded of my admiration. I will show up at your house at 2 a.m just to tell you how handsome I think you are. Maybe then I'll leave, but maybe I won't.

If your hair looks nice on a Tuesday, I will make sure to tell you. I'm going to want to go on a picnic near the waterfalls, or anywhere really, with sandwiches that have been cut into the shape of a heart. After that, we can break out the nerf guns and have a war right there, in the park, in front of everyone. Actually, there are a lot of things that I want to do with you. I want to play lasertag with you, and kick your butt. I want to take you to my favorite restaurant. I really hope that you like it. I want to write you love letters and send them in the mail. I want to give you a balloon when you're feeling sad. I want to play Left 4 Dead 2 with you, because that's my favorite. I want to set up a plan for the Zombie apocalypse.

I want to buy you gifts that I think you'd enjoy, take you for coffee and then walk around in the snow, kiss you in the rain, put up a tent and sleep under the stars. I will listen to you when you want to rant. I am absolutely sure that we will fight at some point, but I will do everything that I can to try and work it out. I will probably tell you to leave me alone when I have cramps, even though I don't mean it entirely, but I've seen My Girl, so don't go looking for anything that I've lost, and stay away from any bees. I will attempt to make you soup when you're not feeling well, and I don't care if you do things that can be considered gross. I want to feel comfortable around you, so please, be the one to fart first. I really won't care, I promise, I'll actually be relieved. I feel comfortable with those I love, and I want that to be the same with you. I want to sit in a gazebo with you. I just do. I want you to help me fix my printer when it isn't working, because printers never work. I want to go to the drive-in in the beginning of November.

I might make you watch sappy movies, and maybe I'll make you go see Happy Feet Two with me. But I promise that I'll watch your action filled movies too, even if I'm falling asleep during them. I want us to read to each other, and laugh. I hope we always laugh. I can't wait to meet you. I want to see your eyes, and the way you smile. Do you have a smirk that goes to the side? I hope you wear Converse. If you don't, I think you now know what you're getting for Christmas. I hope to see you soon. I hope you're ready.

Always, your future girlfriend.