The other day, I told him about how I had to work at Guess this week. He asked if I was nervous, and I said, "A little bit. All the girls that work there are super tan, and put together, and fancy... and I'm not really like that." He replied with, "I don't like those girls..." with a smirk on his face.
Not that I have anything against the people that work there, because to be honest, they were some of the nicest people I've ever worked with. Overall, they were the friendliest, I think. It's just, he got what I meant, and the way he said it made it seem like it was well, me, that he liked. When it comes to writing, we paraphrase, we write metaphorically, we use puns, analogies and clever phrases in order to stimulate your mind and figure out what we mean. When it comes to writing, this works. When it comes to members of the gender that we're attracted to, not as much. Not as pleasing.
Speaking of working at Guess, today was my last day. I worked there for the week of Black Friday. My cousin is the manager there. I can't stay past this week, because apparently it's against the rules to hire a family member, even if it's through marriage. It's unfortunate because I actually kind of liked the job, and my cousin is a great manager. But I guess that's what rules do; restrict.
Frequently I look at people and I wonder what they would do if I just walked up to them and hugged them. Is there a chance that they actually really needed a hug, and that it would make their entire day? Maybe it saved their life. Some people may not care that they don't really know you, or weren't expecting the hug. Is it more awkward to hug someone you know, or is it more awkward to hug someone you've never met? But then, I take it to the next level. Instead of staring at the person you admire, why not just go right up to them and kiss them, and see what happens? If they push you away, move on with your life. If they don't, you're all set. You know. Of course, don't go up to just any cute girl or guy and have your way, but if you know them and have developed feelings, and spent time staring at their lips, why do we wait? It's programmed. It's all programmed. They're all rules. How can someone follow the rules if we don't know the boundaries?
I just had this guy ask me on a date, to the movies or out to dinner. Literally, just now. I told him that I wasn't comfortable yet, that I had to get to know him first, and he said a stroll around the falls would be a good way to get to know each other. I met him online. I'm not afraid that he's going to murder me, or kidnap me, or anything like that. When you meet people online, some you know you'd hang out with in real life in a minute. I can think of at least 10 people I would hang out with right now, if I could. Some are even guys. It's just, once in a while, you contemplate. You can just feel it, and if it feels weird or awkward, I don't like it. I just don't. He's a really nice guy, too. I've been dying to walk around the falls with a boy, but it's not always that easy. It ruins the experience if it's just any boy. I'm not sure I see the point if I'm not going to feel comfortable. I think that if he came up to me, and kissed me, I would push him away. But I can think of someone who I wouldn't push away, and yet, he isn't the one asking me to walk around the falls. Not only does life play the game of silence, but it also breaks the rules.

Sometimes

I was feeling kind of bummed out the other night, so I got in my car ad got some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Mudslide is the best, just for future reference. I drove around after I got it, and blasted some good music, and listened to the rain. I imagine the rain being snow. It would have been a blizzard.
I pulled up and parked in front of my house, and focused in on the car in front of me. It was an Oldsmobile. On the back of the car, it said his last name. I don't know if it was that particular kind of Oldsmobile, or if it was the name of the place they got it from, but it was there. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe it was a coincidence. But it was there.
I've sort of been feeling bummed out a lot lately. The winter is coming, so I should have prepared myself for this, but how can you prepare your mind? Each new reason to hold back even an ounce of optimism causes anguish within me. Why? Just why? I keep asking that question like a six year old that wants to know everything about the world. Well guess what, inner six year old? You may never get all the answers. Life is the best at the game of silence.
Sometimes my my makes me so mad I can't even stand it. But then she'll do this martyr thing where she makes you feel bad about being mad .I know life is too short to be upset with anyone, but that doesn't mask the fact that I am.
Sometimes people disappoint me when they say they'll do something, but they don't. If I give you the opportunity to turn back and change your mind, do it. Don't say you will, and leave me stranded like a cactus in a desert. Sure, cacti belong there, but that doesn't mean they don't need to depend on anything else.
Sometimes I wonder why people have to get bacterial flesh eating viruses when all they want is one more god damn Christmas. Damn it.
Sometimes I can't wrap my brain around why the Government makes you their slave, and then won't pay for your hospital visit. Everyone is left to their own devices when they're stuck in the middle, not enough, yet slightly too much.
Sometimes I sing and sing, because it's one of the only things that takes my mind on vacation.
Sometimes I sit in my car before I go in the house, and just sit there, because getting out means facing the world.
Sometimes I wonder why people can turn out their light and go to sleep, and not know about the girl sitting outside in her car.
Sometimes I eat pie to try to feel better. A lot of it.
Sometimes I just want to catch a break, but I've lost my mitt and my fingers are breaking. They're breaking.
Sometimes I want to go off and live on the beach for the rest of my life. Find me a Wilson, buy me a surf board, and eat pineapple.
A lot of sometimes can equal all the time. I better be careful.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I can't say that I know exactly who you are, but I know that you're going to be just lovely. If you have fallen for me, and taken the time to show me that and asked me to be yours, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being the person to change everything; the one I've been waiting for. I'm not sure if I'll have all the right words, or if I'll be able to explain to you what you have in for you, but I shall try my hardest.

I just want to hold your hand. I want to feel what it's like to walk through the city, your hand in mine, showing the passerby that we are together. I want to bite your lip when we kiss, so I can see what you like, and what you don't. If you could hold my cheek when we kiss, that would be enough for me to feel like I'm in a fairytale. I will not expect you to be the only one to impress, or romance, but I do hope that you can surprise me and enchant me. I will do for you what I expect you to do for me. I will place your favorite flowers on your car, and I hope it doesn't make you feel silly. Maybe you don't want to say you have a favorite flower, but I know you do. I will leave little post it notes around your room in hidden places, in books, in your underwear drawer, just so you're reminded of my admiration. I will show up at your house at 2 a.m just to tell you how handsome I think you are. Maybe then I'll leave, but maybe I won't.

If your hair looks nice on a Tuesday, I will make sure to tell you. I'm going to want to go on a picnic near the waterfalls, or anywhere really, with sandwiches that have been cut into the shape of a heart. After that, we can break out the nerf guns and have a war right there, in the park, in front of everyone. Actually, there are a lot of things that I want to do with you. I want to play lasertag with you, and kick your butt. I want to take you to my favorite restaurant. I really hope that you like it. I want to write you love letters and send them in the mail. I want to give you a balloon when you're feeling sad. I want to play Left 4 Dead 2 with you, because that's my favorite. I want to set up a plan for the Zombie apocalypse.

I want to buy you gifts that I think you'd enjoy, take you for coffee and then walk around in the snow, kiss you in the rain, put up a tent and sleep under the stars. I will listen to you when you want to rant. I am absolutely sure that we will fight at some point, but I will do everything that I can to try and work it out. I will probably tell you to leave me alone when I have cramps, even though I don't mean it entirely, but I've seen My Girl, so don't go looking for anything that I've lost, and stay away from any bees. I will attempt to make you soup when you're not feeling well, and I don't care if you do things that can be considered gross. I want to feel comfortable around you, so please, be the one to fart first. I really won't care, I promise, I'll actually be relieved. I feel comfortable with those I love, and I want that to be the same with you. I want to sit in a gazebo with you. I just do. I want you to help me fix my printer when it isn't working, because printers never work. I want to go to the drive-in in the beginning of November.

I might make you watch sappy movies, and maybe I'll make you go see Happy Feet Two with me. But I promise that I'll watch your action filled movies too, even if I'm falling asleep during them. I want us to read to each other, and laugh. I hope we always laugh. I can't wait to meet you. I want to see your eyes, and the way you smile. Do you have a smirk that goes to the side? I hope you wear Converse. If you don't, I think you now know what you're getting for Christmas. I hope to see you soon. I hope you're ready.

Always, your future girlfriend.

October 26th, 2011

I am trying to not be super upset, but the truth is, I am.

You know how you're about to get some news, and you know that there's a possibility that it could be bad news, but you let it crawl inside and hide, and try to convince yourself otherwise? You know that the possibility is there, and yet when it hits you, it hits you just the same. Whether or not you knew it was hanging over you, like a storm cloud, it hits. It doesn't matter how much you prepared yourself. Similar to a hurricane, you get all the supplies you need and the clouds are looming over you, but you're still hoping it passes.

It hits you, and you're listening, but it's like you're not really there. It feels as if you're above your body, watching the blood flush from your face. It's like you've blacked out, and you're standing, talking, listening, but you're trying to regain your composure and figure things out at the same time. There's this big lump that forms in your throat, and that's when you realize you are in fact still inside your body, but you swallow it and keep breathing. You comply and pretend, and go off on your way and that's when you come to this harsh realization that you can react. Sometimes you cry, or scream. Run away, or throw things. Sometimes you just stand there. It all depends on how you cope. It doesn't matter if it's because you find out your cat died, or your Dad is telling you he's moving out, or if your school is telling you that you owe them 500 dollars that you simply don't have. They've all happened to me, but that last one happened today.

I thought I'd be getting 500 dollars back, but it all got so messed up and apparently now that's what I owe them. Even though I dropped 2 classes during the add/drop period, they're saying between those 5 days, that was the time when you only got 15% of the money you paid back. But then, why do I OWE them money? Even if they took away the money I'd get for full time, I should still have 500 left because that's what I had when I was part time, and I already paid for my math class so that leaves me with the photography class. It shouldn't be 1,000 dollars for one photography class. I never ever got to go. I never saw the professor. All because I hurt my back. It's complicated and I know I'm probably not making sense, but I guess that's what happens when you're trying to deal with bad news. Nothing makes sense. Not the bad news, not you.

People say you can control what happens to you, and how your life turns out it up to you. I don't like it when people say that. Hurting my back was something that I couldn't control, and it affected so many other aspects of my life. If a dog wants to walk back and take a dump on my foot, is that something that is under my control? When I was 14, could I stop someone from shooting my precious cat? Can I make someone love me back? Feelings, actions, and events, are so often predetermined or unchangeable. Some things in life are mysteries. What is orange? Why did we name a fork, a fork? Why do bad things happen to good people? Life isn't easy to figure out. There's no episode of CSI for days like today. But life goes on, whether or not you're happy about your situations, so just make the best of it. As long as you're alive, it's just a really bad day.

October 19th, 2011

Sometimes I feel like I could sit and write forever. Then I start writing. There are so many ideas moving around in my head, and somehow it’s like they get stuck as soon as I decide to put them somewhere. It’s kind of like when you’re looking for something. When you’re not looking for your black jeans, they’re right there on the floor, or in the laundry basket. When you need them to impress someone the next day, you’re convinced your neighbor snuck into your house and stole them.

When do you know when something is complete? Some tasks are easy to finish. You read a book, and you turn to the last page and you’re finished. For the rest of your life you can say you’ve read that book. Maybe you’ll have to reread it eventually to help you remember what happened, but you did finish reading it at some point. With laundry, you can finish, but then once you wear that one outfit… it is back to the washer. It’s a cycle, just like so many other things in life. You will take more showers, brush your teeth again, and eat more. For a second there I had the unfortunate realization that I had forgotten where I was going with this, but I’ve since regained my memory, so it’s okay. When I read through my journal, I wonder whether every single page is just a draft. Maybe the whole thing is just a rough copy of the real thing. Or maybe, that is the real thing because it hasn’t been altered. Is something finished as soon as your mind writes it down, or is it finished once your mind decides it can be better and changes it? Maybe it’s never truly finished, because once you reflect upon it and figure out that you’re pleased, you’re pleased for now. You may not feel the same way 10 years from now. Every year I feel as if my writing improves. I’ll read what I wrote last year, then 5 years ago, and it successfully manages to continue going downhill as I get younger. We gain experience and knowledge on our way through life. So of course we’re going to look back and decide things may not be complete, but at the time, they were. That is good enough.

I have a cold. I guess this really makes me “Drab-sick.” It’s like my body just can’t seem to catch a break. I think it’s trying to figure out what I can handle, and what would physically put me out completely. It’s really stressing me out. I appreciate my body, but we’re not exactly on speaking terms. Maybe it’s not my body that I should be upset with though. Maybe it’s everything affecting it. Yesterday I went to class, and I thought I was going to be on time. That was until I was nearly at the doors and my hat blew off. I turned around to see it flying away, and I was not about to run after it in front of the dozen people that just saw it fly as fast as the wind could carry it. I just followed it, and walked at a steady pace. I figured if I lose a hat, at least I didn’t lose my dignity. I ended up getting it though, at the complete other end of the parking lot. I swear my life is a series of awkward events. The day before, I was driving and I ran over a full water bottle. I didn’t see it in the parking lot at school, and it exploded. It went all over my car, and also all over the girl that was walking right next to it. Experiences that you only see in movies happen to me. The only things I am missing are the sappy romance, and the serial killer. Let’s hope they save the horror scene for last.

I drew a picture of a certain someone in my science class, and I gave it to him. He was supposed to draw one of me as well, but he didn’t. He forgot his. I understand that not everyone is as awesome as me, therefore he is mostly forgiven, but that means I definitely win the challenge. I guess the other day made up for it. It was a test day. I was going to ask if he wanted a ride home, but I promised I wouldn’t unless he tried talking to me on the weekend. He didn’t, so obviously I chickened out. I just felt as though it was his turn. After the test, I assumed I may just run into him like I did previously, or that his mom came earlier because last time she took a while. He left first, and after I left thinking about how awful the test was and how I wanted to drop that one, I was grabbing a cherry cough drop when I looked up to see him standing right outside the classroom. He was leaned against the wall using his arm, had his legs crossed with one headphone in his ear, and he was grinning at me. If ever there were a moment when my knees wanted to collapse, that was it. We talked for about a half hour. He said, “You should get a flu shot. What if you don’t and I never see you again?” His middle name is Oliver, after his Grandma’s name which is Olive. He has awful baby names picked out, Richard and Jennifer, but he can get away with it for now. He knows what Sabrina the Teenage Witch is, he can’t whistle just as I can’t, he can’t snap with his left hand, he likes the movie Forrest Gump like I, and he makes me happy. Being around him makes me happy. If only I did the same for him.

People interact every day. One time when I was riding in a car down the street, I saw two men shaking hands. I had no idea why they were doing so. They could have been making a deal, since they were near a car dealership. Maybe they were secretly drug dealers. It’s possible they were meeting each other for the first time, and that is the polite thing to do. Maybe they had been best friends their whole lives, and they were just doing their infamous handshake and I didn’t get to see the rest. There are so many things we escape by moving on, sliding by, and skipping first base. Once in a while, we might want to let ourselves walk. Hit a foul ball. We deserve to see what is going on in the stands. Sometimes meeting the people in the crowd is the best part. Sometimes it’s catching the fly ball, getting the home run, and sometimes it’s the hot dog and peanuts you’re eating while you’re watching your life or someone else’s life. Either way, it’s one hell of a game.