October 26th, 2011

I am trying to not be super upset, but the truth is, I am.

You know how you're about to get some news, and you know that there's a possibility that it could be bad news, but you let it crawl inside and hide, and try to convince yourself otherwise? You know that the possibility is there, and yet when it hits you, it hits you just the same. Whether or not you knew it was hanging over you, like a storm cloud, it hits. It doesn't matter how much you prepared yourself. Similar to a hurricane, you get all the supplies you need and the clouds are looming over you, but you're still hoping it passes.

It hits you, and you're listening, but it's like you're not really there. It feels as if you're above your body, watching the blood flush from your face. It's like you've blacked out, and you're standing, talking, listening, but you're trying to regain your composure and figure things out at the same time. There's this big lump that forms in your throat, and that's when you realize you are in fact still inside your body, but you swallow it and keep breathing. You comply and pretend, and go off on your way and that's when you come to this harsh realization that you can react. Sometimes you cry, or scream. Run away, or throw things. Sometimes you just stand there. It all depends on how you cope. It doesn't matter if it's because you find out your cat died, or your Dad is telling you he's moving out, or if your school is telling you that you owe them 500 dollars that you simply don't have. They've all happened to me, but that last one happened today.

I thought I'd be getting 500 dollars back, but it all got so messed up and apparently now that's what I owe them. Even though I dropped 2 classes during the add/drop period, they're saying between those 5 days, that was the time when you only got 15% of the money you paid back. But then, why do I OWE them money? Even if they took away the money I'd get for full time, I should still have 500 left because that's what I had when I was part time, and I already paid for my math class so that leaves me with the photography class. It shouldn't be 1,000 dollars for one photography class. I never ever got to go. I never saw the professor. All because I hurt my back. It's complicated and I know I'm probably not making sense, but I guess that's what happens when you're trying to deal with bad news. Nothing makes sense. Not the bad news, not you.

People say you can control what happens to you, and how your life turns out it up to you. I don't like it when people say that. Hurting my back was something that I couldn't control, and it affected so many other aspects of my life. If a dog wants to walk back and take a dump on my foot, is that something that is under my control? When I was 14, could I stop someone from shooting my precious cat? Can I make someone love me back? Feelings, actions, and events, are so often predetermined or unchangeable. Some things in life are mysteries. What is orange? Why did we name a fork, a fork? Why do bad things happen to good people? Life isn't easy to figure out. There's no episode of CSI for days like today. But life goes on, whether or not you're happy about your situations, so just make the best of it. As long as you're alive, it's just a really bad day.

October 19th, 2011

Sometimes I feel like I could sit and write forever. Then I start writing. There are so many ideas moving around in my head, and somehow it’s like they get stuck as soon as I decide to put them somewhere. It’s kind of like when you’re looking for something. When you’re not looking for your black jeans, they’re right there on the floor, or in the laundry basket. When you need them to impress someone the next day, you’re convinced your neighbor snuck into your house and stole them.

When do you know when something is complete? Some tasks are easy to finish. You read a book, and you turn to the last page and you’re finished. For the rest of your life you can say you’ve read that book. Maybe you’ll have to reread it eventually to help you remember what happened, but you did finish reading it at some point. With laundry, you can finish, but then once you wear that one outfit… it is back to the washer. It’s a cycle, just like so many other things in life. You will take more showers, brush your teeth again, and eat more. For a second there I had the unfortunate realization that I had forgotten where I was going with this, but I’ve since regained my memory, so it’s okay. When I read through my journal, I wonder whether every single page is just a draft. Maybe the whole thing is just a rough copy of the real thing. Or maybe, that is the real thing because it hasn’t been altered. Is something finished as soon as your mind writes it down, or is it finished once your mind decides it can be better and changes it? Maybe it’s never truly finished, because once you reflect upon it and figure out that you’re pleased, you’re pleased for now. You may not feel the same way 10 years from now. Every year I feel as if my writing improves. I’ll read what I wrote last year, then 5 years ago, and it successfully manages to continue going downhill as I get younger. We gain experience and knowledge on our way through life. So of course we’re going to look back and decide things may not be complete, but at the time, they were. That is good enough.

I have a cold. I guess this really makes me “Drab-sick.” It’s like my body just can’t seem to catch a break. I think it’s trying to figure out what I can handle, and what would physically put me out completely. It’s really stressing me out. I appreciate my body, but we’re not exactly on speaking terms. Maybe it’s not my body that I should be upset with though. Maybe it’s everything affecting it. Yesterday I went to class, and I thought I was going to be on time. That was until I was nearly at the doors and my hat blew off. I turned around to see it flying away, and I was not about to run after it in front of the dozen people that just saw it fly as fast as the wind could carry it. I just followed it, and walked at a steady pace. I figured if I lose a hat, at least I didn’t lose my dignity. I ended up getting it though, at the complete other end of the parking lot. I swear my life is a series of awkward events. The day before, I was driving and I ran over a full water bottle. I didn’t see it in the parking lot at school, and it exploded. It went all over my car, and also all over the girl that was walking right next to it. Experiences that you only see in movies happen to me. The only things I am missing are the sappy romance, and the serial killer. Let’s hope they save the horror scene for last.

I drew a picture of a certain someone in my science class, and I gave it to him. He was supposed to draw one of me as well, but he didn’t. He forgot his. I understand that not everyone is as awesome as me, therefore he is mostly forgiven, but that means I definitely win the challenge. I guess the other day made up for it. It was a test day. I was going to ask if he wanted a ride home, but I promised I wouldn’t unless he tried talking to me on the weekend. He didn’t, so obviously I chickened out. I just felt as though it was his turn. After the test, I assumed I may just run into him like I did previously, or that his mom came earlier because last time she took a while. He left first, and after I left thinking about how awful the test was and how I wanted to drop that one, I was grabbing a cherry cough drop when I looked up to see him standing right outside the classroom. He was leaned against the wall using his arm, had his legs crossed with one headphone in his ear, and he was grinning at me. If ever there were a moment when my knees wanted to collapse, that was it. We talked for about a half hour. He said, “You should get a flu shot. What if you don’t and I never see you again?” His middle name is Oliver, after his Grandma’s name which is Olive. He has awful baby names picked out, Richard and Jennifer, but he can get away with it for now. He knows what Sabrina the Teenage Witch is, he can’t whistle just as I can’t, he can’t snap with his left hand, he likes the movie Forrest Gump like I, and he makes me happy. Being around him makes me happy. If only I did the same for him.

People interact every day. One time when I was riding in a car down the street, I saw two men shaking hands. I had no idea why they were doing so. They could have been making a deal, since they were near a car dealership. Maybe they were secretly drug dealers. It’s possible they were meeting each other for the first time, and that is the polite thing to do. Maybe they had been best friends their whole lives, and they were just doing their infamous handshake and I didn’t get to see the rest. There are so many things we escape by moving on, sliding by, and skipping first base. Once in a while, we might want to let ourselves walk. Hit a foul ball. We deserve to see what is going on in the stands. Sometimes meeting the people in the crowd is the best part. Sometimes it’s catching the fly ball, getting the home run, and sometimes it’s the hot dog and peanuts you’re eating while you’re watching your life or someone else’s life. Either way, it’s one hell of a game.